Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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