i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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