A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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