I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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