You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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