do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
