So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
