I smell stomach acid.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
