If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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