I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
