I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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