Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
