I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
