Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
