I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
