Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
