I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
