Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
