Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
