At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
