There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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