and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize