Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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