I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
