Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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