I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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