Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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