Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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