At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
