I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
