I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
