im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
