This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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