dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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