Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
