I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think your dad took our porno
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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