Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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