he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
