Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
