just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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