i think my tv is drunk
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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