Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
