I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
