I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
