i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
