This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
