We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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