Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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