i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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