I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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