Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You ruined the universe
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize