I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
