miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
