good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
