I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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