I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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