So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I AM VODKA MAN
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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