Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
